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5 Unexpected Things that happened this week

Here we are, at the end of the school year, and naturally it’s as crazy busy as December. Or, so it feels. But without the copious amount of shopping. Ahem. Cough. Simon has been out of town at a conference, which means that we have ordered takeout practically every night, and Jude has had sleepovers in the Big Bed, which is our Daddy-Is-Out-Of-Town-Ritual. Nickels also gets a free pass too.  And Internet, it’s been a weirdly wonky kind of week. Come! Join along with me as I overshare.

/ one / THE LIFE AQUATIC WITH SONAR PLUMBERS

Naturally it was while Simon was out of town that we had a plumbing issue. Apparently we have a leak in our shower. Internet, did you know that sonar plumbers are A Thing? YES! They show up and make you turn off all the noisy things in your house and then they basically give your pipes an ultrasound until they find the alleged source of the problem.  Anyway, the leak is probably/maybe/hopefully in the shower. YAY! YIPPEE! LET US SPEND ALL THE DOLLARS ON THIS!  I halfheartedly thought: “Welp. Guess this is a good reason to redo the bathroom since they’re going to rip out all the tile anyway?”  And the Tile Dude was like, “Uh, it’ll probably be just one tile. So, do you have a spare?” And thus, they will return Tuesday in order to fix the leak.

/ two / HOT AIR BALLOON CHASING

Because we have entered into summer mode, which means bedtimes have become lax and I have ceased cleaning out any of the school papers from the backpack, we kicked off the season with an inaugural snowcone the other night. And as we sat there, the most magical thing happened. A ginormous hot air balloon all of a sudden descended over our neighborhood! What else was there to do but go chase it to see where it landed? So we hopped in the car, and followed it as it be-bopped across the neighborhood, over the highway, and into another neighborhood before we finally gave up the chase as Archer screeched “I WANNA RIDE IN HOT BAWOOOONS!!!!!!”

/ three / OVERALLS ARE A THING

I ordered a pair of overalls this week from Madewell. I was feeling cocky after the Great Jumpsuit Success from Anthropologie (seriously, just go buy it right now it is THAT GOOD). And who among us did not absolutely love and adore overalls back in the 90s? RIGHT? I’ll wait while you reminisce about those good times.

Y’all. These are not the Overalls That We Knew And Loved. These are (GASP) hipster overalls! Skinny and tight in all the worst ways! Just like wearing suuuuper snug skinny jeans, BUT THEY GO UP TO YOUR NECK. IT IS A DENIM WETSUIT THAT YOU MUST STRIP OUT OF IN ORDER TO PEE. NO NO NO NO NO.

/ four / THE POTTY TRAINING ADVENTURE BEGINS

Archer’s MDO teacher was all “Just quit bringing him in diapers and put him in underwear already.” So I shrugged and said Okay. And here we are. Day, uh, 4(?) of potty training Archer. Which means copious amounts of pee and laundry and clean sheets. Sigh. HALP.

/ five / WHAT DO YOU MEAN, YOU CAN’T FIND MY IUD?

Nobody tells you when you’re a little girl that it’s going to suck when you grow up. Childbirth, cramps, boobs, those horrid little smocks you have to put on when you visit the doctor, making small talk while someone gives you an exam, birth control pills, hormones – the whole 9 yards. It’s all the worst. THE WORST. (Look, anything that involves stirrups but zero equines in sight should raise a red flag.) So imagine my delight(!) as I go for my annual ob/gyn checkup and make a point of stating to the doctorthat I am absolutely POSITIVELY done with The Having Of All The Babies.

Here’s an official transcript:

Me: I’m definitely done having kids.

Doctor: ok good to know. So, your IUD is good for another couple years. But your husband could get a vasectomy to really seal the deal.

Me: 😬 I mean,

Doctor, a few minutes later, CASUALLY: sooo I’m not finding your IUD up in there. But I’m sure it’s fine.

Me: DID IT FLY NORTH FOR THE WINTER? WHAT DOES THIS EVEN MEAN? OMG DOES MY CERVIX LOOK PREGNANT TO YOU? IT BETTER NOT BE!

Spoiler: apparently this happens and it’s not that big of a deal but now I’m scheduled for an ultrasound to see just where exactly that stupid thing has ended up.  Can I put a bluetooth tracker on it to make sure this does not happen again? #askingforafriend

So to recap, we’ve come full circle this week, HAVE WE NOT?

** PLEASE do not send me your horror stories about giving birth to IUD babies. NO NO NO NO NO.

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