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Archer goes on a cruise & generally hates life

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Y’all. I don’t even know where to begin about the Great Expensive Debacle that the past ten days has been. I’ll do a more in-depth post on the beautiful Virgin Islands here soon, but in the meantime  As you may or may not know, we are Avid Disney Cruise Fanatics so we planned to take the Disney Fantasy with a group of friends and this time, we would bring along the baby. (Last year, we did the same itinerary but only with Jude and it was one of the best trips we’ve ever taken.) I’m looking at all these photos and I cannot stop laughing because really, it is just so utterly ridiculous how much he hated life on vacation.

(For reference, Internet, we took Archer when he was six months old and I swear to you, I have ZERO RECOLLECTION OF THAT TRIP.  I was so exhausted/braindead/delirious because I’d just given birth six months prior (to the day) and in my delusion I thought it was a grand idea to take an infant. No. NO. But now! The baby is two! He’s SO FUN! SO MUCH FUN! And! He sleeps all night, so sure, why not bring him along for the Greatest Kid Trip Ever?  #foreshadowing)

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It should have been A Sign Unto All of Us when we got on the airplane and I was his human jungle gym for two solid hours, followed up by a solid 4 hours of hellish misery as the overtired and overstimulated toddler proceeded to thoroughly melt down until he collapsed in a heap of angst only to wake us up around midnight for a dance party that we were all invited to.

NOPE.

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That was only the beginning. What followed was a hellish whiny tour of the high seas that had me considering jumping overboard and (a) swimming to shore (b) drowning or (c) finding a refugee boat and begging for a ride.  Because any of those options was significantly better than continuing the Cruise of Horror.

Two year olds are notorious for their temper tantrums, and Arch is no exception. Granted, it’s hard to explain to a 2 year old that he can’t swim in the pool on the ship because of the no swim diaper policy. And the constant re-shifting of our regular routine (i.e., limited naps, late bedtimes, and a LOT of overstimulation) meant it was hard for everyone to stay on top of their emotions and enjoy the ride.

The low point was when I sat on our beautiful balcony and sobbed my eyes out for a solid 30 minutes as we sailed away from St Thomas with still four more days to go before we could come home. I wanted to call my Mom SO BAD. I wanted her to offer to ship that Problem Child home via FedEx, or to find a way to get a helicopter to airlift us right on outta there. Because that was the kind of thing she would have offered, tongue in cheek or not.*

 

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Oh hey. See that photo above? That was right before he threw Jude’s underwear overboard. I CANNOT MAKE THIS STUFF UP.

*Tangent: I was reminded of the worst spring break trip we ever had in college many moons ago. Simon and I went to France with two  friends from high school and the whole thing unraveled to such an extreme level that all 4 of us called home and cried over the phones to our moms. I remember my mom saying to me on the phone at one point, “Honey, this is what an emergency credit card is for. BOOK A RETURN TRIP HOME NOW.”

I have a feeling that if I could have called Mom, she would have told me to do the exact same thing with Archer. 😉

 

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All things considered, he did start to settle into a routine about midway through the week and he realized that maybe all you can eat Mickey bars isn’t such a bad thing. And that maybe – just maybe! Not making any promises here! – we weren’t Ruining His Life by making him relax and take a vacation. And oh! Hey! Didja know hugs from Minnie Mouse are actually fun? YASSS.

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Jude, on the other hand, is totally unflappable. He is a confident traveler and for the most part completely unfazed by Angsty Toddlers and Sobbing Mothers. He was totally happy to play basketball, eat unlimited ice cream, and make friends with kids from all over the place. In fact, he adopted a whole new family on the cruise in what I’m assuming is a well-organized plan to dump us due to Angsty Archer.  Internet, he went as far as to have family photos made with THIS OTHER FAMILY. STAHHHHP.

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SO. MUCH. ANGST.

Ok, more to come on the good parts of the trip!

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  • Becky

    Oh, man. I am so sorry your trip was such a trial. My eight-year-old daughter is The Easiest Child in the History of Ever and I spent the first three and a half years of her life patting myself on the back for being such an exceptionally wonderful mother. Then her little brother came along, and let’s just say we are only now allowed to go out to dinner and attempt vacations since he has turned five. FIVE. Good news: even angsty kids eventually discover the joys of A Life in Public. Just, um, don’t hold your breath.
    P.S. Think of all the good mom karma you’re racking up by even attempting a trip like this!!!

  • TheNewDiplomatsWife

    The photo evidence of Archer’s level of angst and displeasure are really key here in making this hilarious – this sounds not restful at all (and for the record, been there) but you’ll dine off these tales of disaster of years to come !

  • Adriele

    Oh man, this is my biggest fear. We want to go on a Disney Cruise so badly, but I won’t go until he’s older just in case this happens. Will he love it? Quite possibly. Will I end up in a emotional mess because our vacation got #toddlered? More than likely. At least Jude had fun!!