Easter 2019 & Life’s Downloads
A little download here of all the things that have been going on. April is 3/4 of the way done, and it’s been a whirlwind. Early in the month, I flew to High Point for a quick trip to moderate a panel at Rowe. And then I came home at Crack o’ Dawn O’Clock and was home for 4 days before turning around and flying to Florida with Simon for a conference he’d been planning on attending for months. Internet, that plus all the One Room Challenge stuff and then coming back home and having Easter meant that I was basically a mess by the time the weekend rolled around. Oof. We all collectively collapsed in a heap and tossed all our plans to go to Carlton Landing out the window.
Plus, my Dad was admitted to the hospital for pneumonia, and we were all kind of on-hold until we could determine when he’d make it home. Luckily he was discharged on Friday and then we could actually think about planning for Easter itself. But it was a week full of a lot of feelings. I don’t like going back to the hospital where Mom died. I tried not to think about it too much, but it’s still there, in the back of my mind. And in the midst of all the busyness, the traveling, the work – I found myself pulled under a grief wave again.
Dad’s going to be ok, but at 87, he’s at an age when it’s hard to avoid worrying about him. In some ways, my grief over losing my Mom has gotten to the point where overall, it’s manageable. But sometimes I think “will Dad really leave us too?” And that thought pretty much wrecks me. How can I be without both of them? I’m still a kid! I need my parents because – spoiler alert – I have NO IDEA what I’m doing. How could I be without their love, their wisdom, their influence? I think too about how much my parents have loved me – all of us – so unconditionally. Truly, wholly unconditionally. Who will love me like that without them? I wonder. Which, of course, is irrational and unfair. I’ve got Simon, the boys, and my siblings, and all our extended family — there’s so much love amongst all of us.
It’s these moments where Jesus feels nearer than ever. He is the answer to my need for unconditional love. In a season of uncertainty with aging parents and the incessant nature of life with small children, love takes on a different meaning than it did as a starry-eyed twenty-something. It’s become much less of a feeling and more of an action. And to be honest? It doesn’t always feel good. Love is hard, painful sometimes. It’s early mornings or late nights, sacrificed desires and a continual death to self.
Happy Easter, friends — He is risen, indeed.
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